When she smiles

So I know it has been a very long time since I have posted so as something new I want to start posting again and keeping my thought in here. I have a lot of thoughts going through my head lately and want to get them out somehow.

I am back at school after winter break and it feels amazing to be back. I love home but school is so much easier to navigate and I have amazing freedom to do what I want instead of depending on my parents for everything. I can't wait til I can get my own apartment in Philly/Maryland/DC/Harrisburg/Lancaster (one of those places) and be able to invite people over and have dinner parties. yay! but one more year for that, which I do and don't want to go fast. I know I will miss college so much but I am ready to have my own life and support myself.

Unfortunately I have to attend a class right now, but more will be coming later <3

Today is the big day...leaving for Linz's at 1 pm. After I put a good lunch in me and get my van's tank filled. I will be heading down Rt. 15 and on my merry little way. I can't wait..ok that is all i have for this time....oh wait..........................one more bit of news!!!! Whitey, who i haven't seen in about 5 years is coming to the camp party!!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

So SSD Finally called me back...Retest is on July 23rd....which ladies and gents means that I will be at the Linzey Zoccola residence for about 5 days around there. I can't flippin wait.  Linz's plus a camp party to see everyone!!! I wonder if Anabella will be able to come...I miss her so much.  She was an amazing VA and I hope she comes back next year.  I hope we didn't scare her away with all of us in one room.

Work was fairly productive today.  I have almost all the information for student training in line...ready to be checked and printed out.  I also am very close to making the t-shirt order final and then we should get them within the month.  I can't wait til that is done, becasue I have seen that project through start to finish and I am proud of what I picked and got approved.  I also went to lunch with Courtney..the girl I work with.  We made a lunch date and had an awesome time.  First were very indecisive about Burger King and then watched 10 minutes of "The Incredibles" before we had to jet back to work and were 5 minutes late anyways.  At the end of the day I figured out that I left my headlights on the whole time after lunch...bad girl, but hey the car started anyways because it loves me.

Tomorrow we (the fam) is going to my cousins wedding party..he got married in Italy so they are having a party at their house as kind of a reception/celebration.  I am hoping it will be fun, although our cousins don't talk to us much, so I am guessing me and Jen will be sticking together and be playing with our youngest cousin Anna who is almost just a year and we hardly get to see.  Then Jen will be driving back home with us to spend a few days with us. 

My parents 25th...yes I said 25th wedding anniversary is on Tuesday.  I think I got a fairly good gift for them.  We had Jen's friend Kelly take pics of all three of us girls and I am going to get some reprints and also have some framed for my mom and dad.  My mom is always bugging us about getting pictures of all us three girls, so here they are...she just doesn't know yet (yippe!!!!)

Ok for now folks..this girl needs to get her sleeep so she is nice and rested for her trip tomorrow and also for her drive to Linzeys!!!!!!

Why is it that the littlest things bring up loved ones that you have lost? Like a stupid television show. I really miss him. I hate the way things ended for him between my dad and him and everyone in that family. They were so broken apart when it happened and it wasn't pleasant to see the family members at the funeral..they didn't even talk to each other and some didn't talk to me and my sisters. Both of them would not have wanted to see their children so broken apart but the second they were gone they broke apart into seperate pieces prolly never to come back together again.

Sorry for this morbid entry...I just needed to get this off my chest.

I miss him

Today is just a lazy day of hanging out with my family and lil cousin and uncle. Tonight is dinner with family friends....all i ever think about now is my vacation time PCD reunion....i miss her!!!!

So all I do with my life anymore is work. Come home. Eat dinner. Go to bed. Wake up and GO TO WORK!! I mean I like work and all, but I wish I had more to do than just that. I am the only one home with my parents because Sarah is in Mexico and Jen obviously doesn't live here because she has a job in MD and is there. Which sucks, I just can't believe that we have all gotten this old. I feel like we should still be 4, 6, and 8 and be playing in the backyard in our playhouse that my dad and grandfather built for us. Can we please go back to those times. I miss it, i really do.

I am so excited for my Sarah to be home. I miss her so much. We are so close that I do realize how much I miss having her around until she is not here and in Mexico. We always lived in the same room when we were lil and always had the same kind of dreams and went to the same college, are in the same sorority. I don't want this to be her last year of college. She is going to be a senior kids...what to do without her. She is always there to take care of me and I take care of her when she is upset and I am her transportation when she is othewise unable to drive herself.

So other than work, not much is going on in my life. I wish I had more of a social life, but when your rents go to bed at 10 pm, and you can't get in and out of your house by yourself, you are kind of stuck. So in other words, I do nothing. Which isn't bad sometimes, because it makes you save money, but it is nice to hang out with people sometimes. I have a lot of credit cards to pay off from school, but I am almost done so working this much is paying off somehow and I am saving some up for the coming school year so I can enjoy it somewhat.

I am waiting for an email back from SSD to see when I can retest so I can hopefully go to Linz's for that and for the PCD Party. My dad won't give me a decision until I hear back from SSD about being able to retest though. I hope he lets me go, and that I can drive by myself. I am really looking forward to my dad letting me drive to Linz's on my own. That is a big deal for him so if he lets me do it, I know he really trust me and is willing to let the rope out a lil further and let me go. So lets pray he says I can go and drive by myself.

That is to someone who knows I am always thinking about them and wishing I could do more than I am for them. I would do anything for her to take her stress and hardships away. I know she can get through it.
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.
Dance....I hope you dance.

I miss camp to much to put into words. It was so amazing this year, our cabin was a riot, 3 dogs, 6 wheelchairs and a hoyer lift. It was a hot week and we got to go swimming occasionally but it would have been nice if we could go outside. I met some awesome new people this year and hung out with all my loved ones. SJP boys are actually very nice and not stuck up like i had once thought. Friday night was the most fun. Stayed up all night with the linzer and Raja, which I think we drove the poor tiger (hehe) down. He had to make sure we were content and then in the morning he got us and fed us breakfast. I didn't want to go back to the cabin in the morning because that meant that I had to be leaving soon. That should never happen, I want to live at camp forever. My rents came and had an awesome suprise for me, they brought my lil cousin and he was all ready to help my dad load the car up, he is soo cute!!!

The whole weekend all I did was sleep becasue I had not slept in about a week. I couldn't keep my eyes open for most of the weekend. The part of the weekend I could pry them open was good. My fam spend the weekend at our cabin and it was very relaxing, I also got to see my oldest sister becasue she came home to see DMB at Hershey and spent the weekend with us. I haven't seen her in a while and it was like old times just to spend time with her. I miss her being home a lot. Her silly kitchen dances and her beating me up and her just being there. Hopefully soon enough I will live closer to her and will be able to visit more often.

Now the good part!! So I had to get Ross's tooth fixed becasue he broke one of his K('s and I had to get him a root canal and I had to take him to the Manhiem Vet. Well that is near Lititz and those who know linz knows she lives there. So I decided that it would be fun if I suprised her and spent the day with her. So that is just what I did. I had everyone else in on it other than her, so I got to her house and went in to her room bc the lazy butt was still in bed and said "Get the hell up" and ripped her cover off of her. She was like "What, wait why are you here, what are you doing here?!?!?!" It was great. We spent the day together at the mall and had a blast. Now I can't wait til I get to stay a lil longer.

Hey if you are an MDA Camper..Camp Party at Linzey's House on July 23rd at 4 pm. Most of you prolly already know this from her journal, but I thought I would add it in here. If you want more info, talk to me.


Ok for now, I should go back to work and get some things done.

Well I am not sure when the last time it was that I updated, but I am pretty sure it was when my grandfather died. Well since then, things have calmed down. Since that happened, we had his funeral on Tuesday at 5 pm. I hated the service, becasue I didn't feel that it was what he wanted at all. My aunt arranged all of it and did not ask any of her siblings. She didn't ask any of us if we wanted to say anything at it. The only thing that kept me from jumping up and walking out was my lil cousin who kept all three of us girls sain. He talked with us the whole time and told my sisters that they had "girlie" shoes on. The church was so hot and I thought I was going to pass out. After the 1 hr and 15 minute service with freaking communion included...we went out to the grave site. It was sweltering hot outside, but my grandfather wouldn't have had it any other way. He would wear long pants and shirt..black no less...in the hottest day of the summer. The whole time in the church...I only cried once when my Dad's cousin Marion did a reading. Other than that, it was just a stupid church service to me...not meaningful enough for my grandfather. The part that was the hardest for me was at the grave site. The military men were there, that is what my grandfather always did. I broke down the second I saw them, because I wanted one of them to be him. The burial was very nice and what reminded me the most of my grandfather. They had a bagpipe..which was his most favorite kind of music. I just couldn't stop crying horribly. There were many things with the service and the whole day that I hated, but I put up with it because even though it might not of been what my grandfather wanted, it was for him. Afterwards, we had a reception at the American Legion that he belonged to and went to often. It was very nice to see some relatives and friends that I had not seen in a while. I miss seeing all my uncles and friends of theirs because the family is fighting. But my Aunti Jo..my grandfather's brothers wife...was there. She is the funniest woman in the world and it was such a delight to see her. She helped brighten the day and make things seem alright. We all sat around for about 4 hours and talked about everything and told funny stories about my grandfather and other relatives. My dad did a lot of talking to people he had not seen in a while and also talked to one of his brothers that he had not talked to in a long time because of this family dispute and that made me very happy they were talking.

So after we stayed there until about 9:30, all five of us went home. Mom and I drove home and Dad, Jen, and Sarah drove in the other car. The whole way home, mom and I bitched about my aunt and the things she is prolly going to screw with in the family. When we got home, we found out that the other car full had cried the whole way home and talked about grandpa the whole time. We all got home and came in the house and got settled down and got the dogs out and such. Then we all gathered in the kitchen and talked about everything of that day and my grandfather and grandmother in general and by 1 am we had finished off 4 1/2 bottles of wine, a thing of chamboro. I didn't realize how much we had all drank until I went to get up and go to bed. Besides my nice drunkeness, it was amazing to talk like a family like that. I can't tell you the last time we did that.

This whole week has been a very hard one for my dad. He went to family gatherings where he hated people so much, but he did it for us and his dad. He went to the service and all of it.

I think the hardest thing in life for me is to see my father cry. That is the one thing in the world that I can't stand,it breaks my heart and makes me feel like I can't breath.

I want everyone to sit and think about how lucky they are to have the loved ones in their life and cherish them, becasue the next second they could be gone with no warning and you can't forget that you didn't go see them enough or hadn't seen them for 6 months. Let people know how you feel and that you love them.

I guess I will start out with it. My grandfather passed away today. Not the most pleasant news I realize, but what is on my mind at the present moment. My asshole aunt just calls up, my dad answers "Dad Died" and then pretty much hangs up.. WHO THE HELL DOES THAT?!?!?! It was quite a shock. I just saw him last week..not a problem, he was fine, why couldn't he just have stayed fine! I am glad I got to see him last week, becasue I haven't seen him since christmas time. I just don't know what to do. I feel so bad for my dad becasue he hasn't seen him in forever. And now he missed his last chance to see him. It just sucks. I don't need this now. Things were going good and I don't need sad news like this. Sarah is going to be crushed along with Jen. Sarah is going to Mexico in 10 days and should not have to deal with this right now. I will write more later, but i am just exhausted and can't do it right now.

Not many interesting things are happeneing lately. Both my sisters are home!! I miss having Jen Jen home, and I think she misses being around us. Her and Sarah can go at it quite often though, which isn't the prettiest thing in the world, esp. when they start arguing right in the middle of the mall and make a scene. not fun kids, not fun at all. I went to the mall today though and did find some amazing bargains. I got about 4 pairs of capris, two skirts and a shirt or two. Also some strapless bras that I needed and finally found ones that fit me right :) Jen's 5th year reunion for high school was tonight. I can't freakin beleive it has been 5 years since she has been in high school. How do those years go by so fast. Things change so much in that period of time. I have realized that in things that have been happeneing with me. It is amazing how much people can change and you see different sides of people. Things you never knew about them rise to the top. I think I like it.

I had a really wierd dream last night that had like 5 parts to it and i don't even know how to explain it. I just think that so many thoughts were running through my head that they all mushed together and told me my joys and fears of things that might happen.

I have had some interesting convos with someone and I don't know where they are going, but it is fun at the moment. It isn't a big deal, but it is making my life interesting.

ok i will leave you with that very confusing last sentence.

night